


New Year’s Kiss

by CleverUsernameHere



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:22:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23895268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CleverUsernameHere/pseuds/CleverUsernameHere
Summary: Dean finally works up the courage to show Sam how he feels.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fills my 'New Years' square on my DeanandSamBingo card

“Ready for the count down?” Dean nudged Sam with his elbow before sipping at his beer. Sam just rolled his eyes and smiled.

It had been Dean’s idea to go into the bunker’s television room and watch the New Years celebration. He told Sam they should do something normal people do for at least one night and Sam agreed.

They were seated on the couch side by side, knees practically touching. Sam’s eyes were locked on the tv, watching the celebration, but Dean couldn’t take his eyes off of his brother. It was like Sam was glowing, he looked so happy. It had been so long since he’d seen Sam smile, especially after everything they had been through in the year.

Seeing Sam’s smile brought one of his own to Dean’s face. Sam was the only light left in his life of darkness. His brother was the one constant, the one person he always had.

He was going to tell Sam that tonight, he wouldn’t let himself back out like he had for years.

When they were teens, Dean told himself he was sick for loving his brother. Dean told himself to get over it, it wasn’t like he knew what love truly meant anyway.

Then Sam went to Stanford and Dean experienced his first real heartbreak, only for it to be mended when Sam came back to him. That was when Dean realized he was truly in love with his little brother and he internally beat himself for it every day of his life.

Dean knew it was wrong and disgusting, but not being able to confess his feelings to Sam still ate him up inside. Every time that Dean came up with enough courage to consider admitting his biggest secret aloud, another excuse came up.

_‘It’s not important, we have to find dad’_ was the first reason he gave himself. Then when they found their father, Dean realized there were much bigger issues to worry about. When John died, they were so busy fighting and then trying to figure out what Sam’s visions meant for Dean to think about saying anything.

When Sam died, Dean’s heart broke again. Seeing Sam’s lifeless body had made Dean wish he had been truthful sooner. He cursed himself for lying to Sam for so long, yet he didn’t say a word when Sam came back. He kept it bottled in, knowing he would be gone in a year. Dean didn’t want Sam to spend a year with a broken heart or God forbid resenting him.

When Dean died and came back, he finally accepted his feelings in full, knowing there were much worse things than having feelings for his own brother. He also was able to realize they weren’t just going to go away.

Being able to finally admit to himself that he was in love with his baby brother without scolding himself was like a weight off of his shoulders.

Even though Dean had finally come to terms with his feelings, more excuses came after that like Lucifer or Sam being soulless or the leviathans. He kept his mouth shut through all of it.

Dean almost confessed back in that broken down church, when Sam was ready to die for the world. Dean had refused to let him sacrifice himself. He’d taken Sam’s hands in his own and told Sam it was going to be okay. _‘I love you’_ he had wanted to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead he pulled Sam into his arms and hugged his brother tightly.

Dean had kept in silence for years, wondering what would happen if he said those three words out loud. Dean wondered if Sam would realize what he actually meant, or if his brother would innocently smile and say it back. He wondered if Sam knew and maybe he felt the same. Their whole lives they spent nearly every second attached at the hip, going through more together than any other people possibly could. That had to mean something.

“Just 45 more seconds,” Sam’s voice pulled Dean from his thoughts. He reached for the remote and turned the tv up. “And the Winchester brothers will have made it another year.” He said jokingly, but Dean couldn’t bring himself to laugh. He offered a brief smile before it fell.

Dean only had less than a minute left until he made the biggest decision of his life.

Dean tried to sip from his beer, but found it was empty. He’d been so lost in his head that he didn’t even remember going through it. He set the empty bottle aside and swallowed nervously, glancing up the tv. He had only seconds. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath, running his sweaty palms over his jean clad thighs.

“You feeling okay?” Sam asked with a mix of amusement and poorly hidden concern, not sure what was wrong.

“Yeah, just…” Dean opened his eyes, turning his head to the side. His eyes locked with Sam’s and he couldn’t help but admire them. His brother had the most mesmerizing eyes, matching the rest of his perfection. Dean had never seen anyone or anything as beautiful as Sam.

People started counting down on the tv and Dean felt like his heart was beating out of his chest. He couldn’t think of anything to say, and any words he managed to form got caught in his throat before he could speak them.

For years Dean has reasoned _‘I love you’_ was only three words, but he could never muster up the will to say them. Everything he had suppressed was bubbling up, waiting for this moment. Nearly his whole life Dean had thought of ways to tell Sam, he imagined out every possible scenario where he would finally confess. Nothing could’ve prepared him for the real moment.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice was nearly drowned out by the tv in the background. Combined voices of people counting down filled the room as Dean remained silent.

_“Five!”_ The people yelled over the tv.

_“Four!”_ Dean took a deep, shaky breath.

_“Three!”_ Sam’s face held real worry now, not sure what had rendered his brother so quiet.

_“Two!”_ Dean licked his lips, but they still felt dry. He had to come up with something to say. It was now or never, Dean told himself. He had to do **_something-_**

_“One!”_ Dean reacted at the word, forcing himself forward. His hand found the back of Sam’s neck as he leaned forward, capturing his brother’s soft lips with his. So long he had dreamed of this, so long he had wanted to feel Sam’s lips against his own.

Suddenly, Sam’s hands pressed to his chest. It was like he used every bit of strength to shove Dean away. A disgusted gasp fell from Sam’s lips as he shot to his feet.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Sam shouted, confusion and anger written all over his face.

Dean realized what he’d just done. “Sam, I- I'm sorry.” Dean swallowed, already pleading for his brother’s forgiveness.

“Why would you do that?” Sam asked in a whisper, eyes desperately searching out Dean’s as if there was an easy explanation.

“I just… I thought…” Dean tore his eyes away from Sam’s, hanging his head in shame. He couldn’t even muster up the words to explain himself. He screwed up. He really, _really_ screwed up.

“You thought what?” Sam’s voice was so harsh, Dean couldn’t bring himself to lift his head. “I’m your _brother_ , Dean.”

“I know.” Dean muttered, eyes locked on the ground.

He waited for Sam to start yelling or throwing punches, Dean knew he probably deserved both. Instead his brother stood silent, staring down at Dean.

When it got to be too long of Sam’s silence, Dean finally lifted his head. The look of complete and utter betrayal on Sam’s face broke his heart. Dean’s throat bobbed and he fought back sudden tears. He hated himself for doing this to Sam, he couldn’t even imagine what was running through his little brother’s head.

“How long?” Sam’s voice nearly cracked with the question. Sam didn’t have to ask anything more, Dean knew exactly what he meant.

“Since we were kids.” Dean croaked out and Sam sucked in a breath, looking away from Dean. He shook his head slightly in a dismissive way, like he was trying to force himself to not believe it. But, it was the truth. It was Dean’s twisted, ugly truth that was finally coming out.

Sam was so quiet, just staring at him. Dean would rather have had Sam pissed off and screaming at him. He could take Sam reprimanding him and calling him sick, but Sam was trapped in a stunned silence.

Sam just looked betrayed, like he didn’t even recognize Dean and he stared down at him. That’s what made Dean’s heart shatter, knowing how much he had hurt his brother, like he’d taken Sam’s trust and crushed it.

Now Sam knew that every time Dean looked his way or they touched, Dean had wanted more.

It took everything Dean had to fight back tears. He finally let himself be vulnerable and confess- the rejection was killing him inside. He should’ve known better. He should’ve pictured Sam’s disgust in his head, Dean knew that, but he hadn’t let himself. He hadn’t wanted to.

Sam, clearly unable to think of a word to say, turned on his heel. “Sam, I’m sorry!” Dean called after his brother, but it’s too late. Sam didn’t stop walking and didn’t look back. Dean swallowed again, a lump forming in his throat as finally let the tears blurring his eyes slide down his cheeks.

Dean knew he ruined everything. He should’ve known that he was naive to think he could have the one and only thing that would make him truly happy. Now he wasn’t sure he even had Sam at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been around 5 months since I posted part one, but f i n a l l y the second part is here <3

Dean was avoiding him, it couldn't have been anymore obvious. Sam wanted to talk to his brother more than anything, but he couldn’t bring himself to knock on Dean’s door yet.

A huge part of him wanted to apologize. He wanted to tell Dean that he was sorry for the way he reacted. The look of heartbreak in Dean’s eyes had made him feel so guilty. 

Another part of him wanted to yell some more because  _ it wasn’t fair.  _

For so long Sam was crushed by guilt and shame for loving Dean in a way he knew he shouldn’t. After so many years Sam finally forced himself to get over it and  _ now _ Dean decided to do something.  _ Now _ he decided to confess that he’d been hiding the same secret.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

Every time Dean went home with another random girl it was like a punch to the gut, but Sam endured. Every time he had thoughts about Dean in very non-brotherly ways he called himself sick. Sam had prayed for some sort of relief from the love residing in his heart for Dean because he knew it was wrong. 

Sam didn’t put up a fight in hell because he thought he  _ deserved  _ to be punished for his feelings. 

He confessed his biggest, darkest secret in that church because he knew loving Dean was his greatest sin. 

Sam knew he should’ve been relieved, he should’ve kissed back or told Dean it was okay, but he was just so angry with Dean. Dean had lied to him for  _ years _ . They could’ve been together. So much time was wasted, so much time of Sam despising himself for the way he felt. 

Deep down, Sam didn’t know who to blame. Was it their father's fault for forcing them to grow up in isolation with no one but each other? Was Sam just born wrong? Had he done something to force his sickness onto Dean?

Maybe it was just Dean’s fault for being so damn perfect. Dean was too good for him and he knew that, but Sam always had a habit of wanting things he couldn’t have. A normal life for starters, but how could he have been normal when every night at Stanford he dreamt of having Dean in bed beside him?

Sam shook away his thoughts and forced himself to stand. He needed to at least apologize for the way he had reacted- he owed Dean that much.

Sam’s own harsh words replayed in his head. It was like he was out of his own body, watching himself take his own guilt and confusion and anger with himself out on Dean. 

_ “What the hell is wrong with you?!”  _ Sam had found himself shouting, but what he didn’t say was  _ “how could you lie for so long!?”  _ Or maybe even  _ “you deserve better than me!” _

If Dean had said something before, maybe things could’ve been different, but it was all far too complicated now. Sam had hurt his big brother so many times, he couldn’t believe Dean even loved him anymore. Between leaving him behind for Stanford, the demon blood, purgatory, and everything in between, Sam knew he was undeserving of his brother’s love. 

He didn’t deserve that happiness, even if Dean wanted to give it to him. Dean needed someone better, someone who hadn’t failed him so many times.

Sam suddenly found himself outside of Dean’s bedroom door, his fist knocking gently three times. “Dean?” He asked, pushing open the door after a few seconds of not getting a response. 

“Go away, Sam.” Dean said, not taking his eyes off of the tv in his room. “Please.” Sam could tell by his tone that he was trying and failing to mask the hurt. Sam hated that he had done that to Dean. 

Sam took in the sight in front of him, recognizing the exact scene from times before. Dean was slumped against his headboard, a blanket thrown haphazardly over his legs. He wore the same shirt Sam had seen him in the night before and beer bottles scattered the floor. Dean was a creature of habit, after all.

“What do you want?”

“We need to talk.” Sam pleaded softly, stepping into the room. Dean’s words had held no sense of demanding or anger, just exhaustion. He wondered if Dean had slept at all. Probably not, Sam hadn’t either. 

“What’s there to talk about?” Dean asked bitterly, finally looking to Sam. “We both know what happened.”

“I’m sorry.” Sam sighed, unsure of what more he could say.

“‘S not like you did anything wrong.” Dean shrugged lazily, but Sam could see the stirring emotion behind his mask of calm.

Sam swallowed, eyes flicking away from the intensity that Dean’s held. “I shouldn’t have… reacted the way I did.” Dean just snorted a sarcastic laugh at Sam’s words. “I mean it, Dean. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need your pity.” Dean scoffed and Sam clenched his jaw in frustration. Dean wouldn’t even listen. Sam’s chest rose and fell as he took a breath, frowning to himself when Dean rolled his eyes and looked away.

“Why did you wait so long?” Sam finally snapped at him and Dean whipped his head back.

“What?” Dean questioned in a confused and surprised whisper just loud enough for Sam to hear.

“You heard me… why did you wait so long?” Sam repeated, locking his eyes with Dean’s, not letting his gaze falter. “I was fine.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’ve been trying so hard to get over it!” Sam couldn’t stop himself, frustration at his brother’s dismissive behavior becoming too much.

“Over what?”

“Over you!” Sam yelled, regret taking over almost instantly. He wasn’t supposed to say anything, he just wanted to apologize. The floodgates had opened, it was too late to stop himself now. “You deserve so much better than me.”

“Sam,” Dean started.

“Why can’t you see that? After everything I’ve done?” Sam’s voice nearly cracked with the onset of emotion.

“Sam, stop.” 

“You’ve said it yourself, Dean. I’ve messed up so many times.” Sam was pleading now, but he wasn’t sure for what. Maybe an excuse for why Dean shouldn’t give in. Then they’d both have to admit the truth in more than just a few words.

Sam swallowed and shifted on his feet. Dean was staring at him dead in the eyes, a sadness held in them.

“Sammy, you… you can’t believe that.” 

Sam couldn’t bring himself to say anything, all he could do was drop his gaze to his feet and avoid the look of pleading desperation on his brother's face.

When he got no response but a look of defeat from Sam, Dean pushed himself from the bed and made his way over to his brother. Only an inch or two of space was between them.

“Sam, please...” Dean’s tone was soft and comforting, it was the voice he reserved exclusively for Sam when he was sad ever since childhood. Dean reached to cup his brother’s face and lifted his head until their eyes met. Sam didn’t even realize he had started crying until Dean gently wiped a tear from his cheek.

Sam couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so  _ vulnerable, _ even with his brother. Now that everything was pouring out, Sam couldn’t muster up any words. Instead, when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a shuddering gasp as he tried to make the tears stop before they  _ really _ started. 

“Oh, Sammy.” Dean muttered sadly. Suddenly, he was pulling Sam into his arms, his hand tucked on the back of his little brother’s head as Sam dropped it to Dean’s shoulder. Sam sniffled slightly and when he did, the familiar scent of  _ home _ surrounded him. 

Sam allowed himself to take comfort in his older brother, wrapping his arms around Dean and clinging to him like he would as a child. Dean held Sam tight against him with one arm while the other hand stroked through Sam’s hair.

“I love you.” Sam finally mustered up the courage to say those three words, even if they were muffled against Dean’s neck. But his older brother heard and just held him closer.

“I love you, too.” Dean promised. It was like a weight was lifted off of the both of them at the shared confession. They both knew the truth and neither could seem to figure out why they had lied to each other for so long. 

Sam pulled back from the embrace first, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Dean was looking up at him with such love that it made Sam’s heart race. 

He remembered the kiss from before, their  _ first  _ kiss and how he had shoved Dean away when he had wanted nothing more than to pull him closer.

“I didn’t mean any of it.” Sam whispered, guilt rushing through him. “I was just so  _ shocked  _ and then when you said you…” Sam couldn’t even get the sentence out without choking up. “I wish you hadn’t lied to me for so long.”

“I know, Sam. And I’m sorry.” Dean apologized sincerely. “That was a lot to put on you so suddenly. I’m just glad you don’t hate me.” Dean forced a chuckle to try and lighten the mood, but it fell quickly. They were caught in silence, staring at one another, the realization still heavy between them.

Sam swallowed through the lump in his throat, yet found himself unable to form any words. Instead, he found just enough bravery to act. He knew Dean felt the same, but as his hand found the back of Dean’s neck to pull him closer, Sam’s heart pounded.

Their lips brushed against one another’s and that’s when Dean took charge. Sam nearly moaned as his brother crashed his lips forward. The feel of Dean’s kiss had Sam reacting.

Dean’s hand lifted to tangle in Sam’s hair, pulling him impossibly closer as his tongue exploded his little brother’s mouth. Sam has waited for this for so long, and now it was happening. His lips were moving against Dean’s and their tongues tasted one another. Everything about kissing Dean was perfect.

Sam was breathless when he pulled away, his eyes filled with love just as Dean’s were. Neither of them spoke for a moment, just staring at one another, taking in the fact that both of their dreams had somehow come true. Sam couldn’t believe he and his brother had waited so long.

“I could never hate you.” Sam promised, taking in the comfort of Dean’s fingers running through his hair.

Dean swallowed before offering a smile. “Hey… I’m watching Game of Thrones… you wanna watch with?” 

At that Sam managed a small smile, sniffling as he nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

Dean guided Sam to the bed, resuming his position. Sam crawled onto the bed and settled beside him, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. Dean wrapped an arm around him, cuddling them together. 

It took them a long time to get here, but in a way, it was worth the wait. Instead of focusing on the past, Sam set his mind on the future. Hopefully, by next New Year, they’d be able to make up for lost time and things would be different for the better.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a lot different than what I'm used to writing so feedback would be awesome. kudos are nice but comments are like gold- even just a few words are amazing


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